


Softly

by orphan_account



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Crying, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Heavy Angst, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I don't write happy things, Insecurity, M/M, Music, PLEASE LEAVE SUGGESTIONS IN THE COMMENTS I CANT BE BOTHERED CHECKING TUMBLR, Panic Attacks, Pet Names, Promises, Sleepy Cuddles, everyone is crying, i have like one otp but i can write other stuff, please guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 18:40:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11583855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: yuuri is cryingvictor is cryingmakkachin is cryingi'm cryingyou're cryingjesus is cryingvladmir putin is cryinglady gaga is cryingeveryone is crying





	Softly

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE LEAVE SUGGESTIONS FOR SHIPS AND OTP'S AND WHAT IT SHOULD BE ABOUT IN THE COMMENTS IM THIRSTY

It was in the Barcelona hotel when this happened, room alit by other warm coloured lights. The smell of soap, cologne, aftershave and breath mints haunted the air, the touch of dryness from the weather mixed with the droplets slowly falling to the plush rug from a messed platinum head of hair. Pale teal eyes met hazel-nut brown eyes, shining, sparkling and beautiful pearls, a painting of the body’s creation; a living and breathing masterpiece of the human anatomy sewn into flesh and blood. Absolute beauty. Words filled the room as Victor sat down, a robe draped lazily over his figure, he got comfortable and looked back at Yuuri after asking:

“So, you wanted to tell me something?” 

Yuuri nodded, hesitant, his nails dug into the palm of his hand, biting his lip to prevent anything to come out until he found the right words to say. After all, Victor was his childhood idol, he had posters, DVD’s, mini-figures and body pillows of the strong built Russian figure skater. The scene was silent apart from occasional ruckus from the street eleven floors below.

“After the final, let’s end this.”

Another awkward silence, the grin that painted Victor’s face disappeared and turned to a frown, the spark in his eyes was vast and emotionless and he lost all feeling he had before.

“What… What do you mean? End what?”

Yuuri took a steady breath in and managed a small smile, “let’s end this. Us. It’s been amazing, everything you’ve done this past season has been amazing but this has never been the typical student/ coach relationship and the media has just been too much.”

Another silence.

“Th-thank you. For everything, Victor.”

His smile became slightly bigger while whatever happiness the Russian had disappeared in an instance after those few words dripped from his boyfriend’s lips. Could he even call him a “boyfriend”? What was Yuuri to him? His boyfriend, his fiancé, his student?  
He looked deeper into Yuuri’s eyes, not lovingly but just deep enough to see that they lessened in size, then his eyes roamed his face, twitching, down to his body, trembling.

“You’re lying.”

‘Don’t you dare cry in front of Victor. You’re going to humiliate yourself just like the China Cup when you bawled like a child. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t you dare cry, you idiot.’ 

“What’s the real reason, Yuuri?”

“B-because I’m not going to win gold for you!”

Hot salt spilled from the brim of his hazel pupils, face flushed with blood, humiliated. His figure shook and hurt. Victor looked worried and even worse than before. Confusion filled his face. 

“And I’m just going to disappoint you! Y-you deserve all the gold medals in the world and I can’t do anything right because I’m a constant failure and negative thought! I don’t even know why you came to coach me in the first place apart from that stupid YouTube video that you felt pitiful for!” 

He got up and ran into the bathroom. Humiliated yet again. The door slammed in embarrassment, loud. Too loud. Noise became hell to his ears, clutching his head feeling as if his thoughts would seep from his ears and spill out the door for Victor to see the ones he kept inside his head. His lungs became heavy, snow replaced his blood and he felt a grip around his throat. Cold. Tight. Like he was underwater, the iced depths of the ocean causing his skin to tingle and sting, bones hurt with every movement as he curled more and more in on himself, everything was numb and a constant high pitched ringing haunted his ears, reminders of all the wronging’s he did. His chest felt as if it was being hit with an anchor as he managed to heave in a short breath. That wasn’t the last he’d feel of that tonight; he began hyperventilating. More and more anchors pushed against his chest making his lungs collapse. His face was a ghastly white even though it felt like anxiety’s palm of injustice was punching him in the face and making him turn red.

Thinking.

That’s all he was good for was overthinking. 

Constant reminders that were sucked into his brain until he didn’t want to think anymore, until he wanted to just stop feeling everything and go away instead of cowering in a small space until he eventually passed out and fainted. Pathetic. Unworthy. Weak. Idiotic. Fat. A failure. These thoughts weren’t all the things he made up in his head; he knew everyone else thought so too because he can’t keep anything to himself- 

“Yuuri.”

Victor somehow unlocked the door and was in watching his ‘student’ tremble on the bathroom floor.

“GET OUT! LEAVE ME ALONE!” Yuuri screamed through open sobs to the taller man in front of him. Victor didn’t listen and walked closer to the small corner the Japanese man was hidden in. Visibly tensing up, he got ready to yell again.

“YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND ME, YOU IDIOTIC RUSSIAN! I SAID GO AWAY! I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU OR NEAR YOU AND EVERYTHING I DO IS WASTING YOUR TIME AS MY COACH SO JUST LEAVE!” 

He glared at Victor with salty tears stinging his iris, skin melting off from the heat of them. As his eyes adjusted to the figure hovering above him he saw a very sad, hurt and scared silver headed Russian looking down at him. He had never seen Victor like this before. A gold medal figure skater shouldn’t look like this. He wasn’t a gold medal figure skater at all to Yuuri anyways; he was gold.  
Just gold.

Beautiful and shining, a happy colour with a smile that illuminated the whole world, everyone wanted this gold because of how damned precious it was. 

Stunning.

Flawless in every and any way possible. 

And Yuuri was just glass; common to everyone’s eyes, simple and plain. In a way, dull. Providing no emotion whatsoever. 

Transparent.

Thin.

Breakable.

He took even more time to notice the detail in Victor’s eyes. They were glossier than before and his eyebrows knotted together. He blinked only once only to unleash a side that no one has ever seen of this perfect man. 

Sad.

He was crying for the first time anyone one has witnessed.

‘Why am I so cruel?! I can’t do anything right without making everyone around me miserable. Now my idol. I made a man so joyful, a man that finds the positive in the worst possible situation, cry openly because I can’t do anything right. I’m so pathetic.’

Yuuri was even worse than when he first ran into the bathroom: now he was as white as the tiles below, body not only trembling but his limbs throwing themselves further down his body than from when they were clutched tightly around his chest, he wasn’t now just yelling he was screaming as more and more anchors hit his falling chest.

Victor had walked out of the room.

Victor had given up on Yuuri and his stupid mental disorder, he had pushed Victor too far and now he was going to leave Yuuri to come in last place at the finals like last year because he was an rude, idiotic moron that had yelled at the person who meant the most to him and now he had lost him. 

 

 

Or had he? 

He heard the door open and saw Victor walking closer to him, emotionless unlike before. This time he didn’t hesitate and pushed something small into the hole of his ear. Strings attached to it.

Those were headphones, moron.

Victor took a phone out and pressed one button making a triangle symbol turn to two parallel lines. Soft melodic piano played and half-replaced the thoughts which filled the smaller boys mind. His breathing slowed down, shaking turned to soft trembles, and he didn’t feel an icy burn with every movement. The piano chimed in with a gentle male’s voice, speaking slowly and calmly. He was still scared and anxious though, music couldn’t stop that. Victor must’ve noticed as he gently and slowly put his hand on Yuuri’s own. Feeling it violently shake and hearing his breathing rate. He looked the smaller boy in those beautiful, caramel orbs and saw heavy tears still smashing to his collar.

The Russian did something unexpected, especially after Yuuri yelled those awful slurs at him: he picked Yuuri up gently and set him in his lap. Music still quietly playing its soft tunes. Yuuri sobbed again.

“V-victor,” he hiccupped, “please.”

The said Russian wrapped his arms around Yuuri tightly. It was as if when he was drowning Victor had pulled him up for oxygen and he was on land. Like the iciness in his bones was replaced by heat and finally felt warm and safe. Like this golden man hugged all the shattered pieces of glass together so that it was whole again.

“I’m sorry.”

Victor craned his head so his face met Yuuri’s, which was buried in his chest, listening to his breathing pattern and copying so that he could finally find the right words. 

“I don’t even know why you came back in to be honest. I’m just s-so sorry, Victor.”

Yuuri was crying again, not shutting down like before but just letting the other emotions out.

“I’m sorry for always disappointing you and making you miserable with me. I wouldn’t be surprised if you went straight back to Russia after the f-final. I’m just sorry you ever found that stupid video in the first place. You deserve to win gold medals, all the gold medals in the whole world, you should b-be on the ice skating and winning, not stuck coaching an anxious loser. I’m so sorry for being so weak. So sorry.”

Although Yuuri wanted Victor back onto the ice for the Russians own sake, he still (embarrassingly) clung to his robe and gripped on as if Victor really was his oxygen after almost drowning. He didn’t mind though, the loving grip Yuuri had on him made his heart melt and seep from his pores. 

“Can I tell you something secret?” Victor said gently.

Yuuri slowly nodded, hesitant of what this handsome face would spill from his lips, Yuuri had never gotten anyone, especially not someone everybody admired. Surely, he would’ve told something like this at an interview. The again, he sometimes found it hard to remember that he was a living, breathing and moving human being, not a pretty gold medal only for looking. Why was that so hard for him to understand? And just now he realized it.

 

“I would rather stay coaching you, for years and years, than win a gold medal. Gold is just a heavy rock that appeals to everyone, it’s fragile. After winning five of them it becomes pointless to have something hanging around your neck only to put back away afterwards just to look at it and try to remind yourself that you’re somewhat important because of a stupid rock that a nobody gave to you. It doesn’t matter when there’s no one to share your glory with apart from a brown poodle living in your apartment. But coaching you had been one of the best experiences. The night we met at the banquet I truly knew what ‘love at first sight’ meant. Looking at you, pictures, videos, interviews or anything else brought me so much happiness and a feeling in my heart I’ve never had when I said to myself ‘I love him’. I don’t care if you win no gold medals at all while I coach you, as long as you’re happy and having fun. If your best is fifth, then I’m satisfied with the work you put in to achieve that. If you want to win gold, then I’ll help you. I’d love to go back to Russia, but I want you to come with me. Being lonely can’t be made up with gold medals; say if a piece of my heart was missing, literally, if I put gold there it would either be too heavy and sink it or be too heavy and fall right through it making it rip. Love doesn’t do that. Love comes from the heart and if a piece is missing, the other person providing that love spares a bit of their heart enough to fill that space. You have done that for me, whether you love me or not I know that I definitely, without a doubt am madly in love with you. I don’t mind nights like these, I know it helps get everything out and it brings me closer to you and how I know what to do when you have a panic attack. Just remember from now and on, I love you so much, and nothing you say or do is changing that. If you truly feel that in your heart we should end ‘this’ then I can accept that, for you. I really do love you, Yuuri. So much.”

He didn’t know what to say. Compared to that there were no real words that existed to say back to Victor. How could someone be so perfect not with looks and personality but words too? A true poet from the heart and soul. He cried even harder after those words, not from fear, sadness or guilt this time but pure love and joy. 

“V-vitya.” He hugged him. For the first time tonight he didn’t grip onto him like he was oxygen. He was hugging a real, authentic human with blood and bones and heartbeat and a voice box. He wasn’t gold, he was human and Yuuri understood now. “I love you too. I have for years and years. I’m sorry I never told you. I don’t want to end us, I just wanted you to be happy and now I see that you are. Thank you for coming into my life and coaching me. I want you here forever, by my side, on and off the ice. Please don’t leave me.”

Victor pressed his lips against the mop of ebony hair below him, “I won’t, моя любовь. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.” They stayed like that for a bit, in each other’s presence, inhaling the musk of faint mint and simply being until Yuuri tired himself out and was blinking his eyes to try and stay awake. With that, Victor picked him up and carried him to bed, soft pillows catching the Japanese man as he was gently lay onto the bed besides Victor. He made small, firm circular movements on Yuuri’s lower back, helping him sleep better before the GPF and it worked like a charm, hearing soft snores from the smaller male as he pulled the pillow down so it reached his neck.

“Sleep well, ангел,” he said before finally closing his eyes and succumbing into a short period of well-earned rest. He had never witnessed one of Yuuri’s full blown shut downs but whatever was happening, he would help Yuuri with it no matter what.

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE LEAVE SUGGESTIONS FOR SHIPS AND OTP'S AND WHAT IT SHOULD BE ABOUT IN THE COMMENTS IM THIRSTY


End file.
